>> so connect the dot wtz freckles. i laugh. >> subtract the possibility of an accent. >> calculate the sum of my eyes, nose, lips and tongue. >> and multiply every curl on this head and what do you get? ambiguous. apologize that my race is invisible to your eyes. but last time i checked, it wasn't -- >> mind your damn business. >> so do me a favor and stop assuming. >> because i'm more than my race. >> i'm more than my color. >> and the next time you feel tempted to ask. >> don't. or at least have the courtesy not to stair at me like i'm some beast and ask what are you? >> that one was perfect. >> that was good. >> we did it! you never know what to expect from my first guest once famous for his outbursts and acting. but not anymore. now the smart aleck who once asked me this. >> i must ask you, piers, have you ever been properly in love?

i was instructed by your staff to pose this very question to you. >> alec baldwin talking about politics. >> we can solve this in about a week. it's not that tough. >> bob costas and gun control, the fate of a thinking man's ceo, "30 rock," alec baldwin, live and unfiltered. there is hope after tragedy. a mother lost her three young daughters and parents in a christmas day fire last year. she is finding the strength to . >> for me, finding out the truth of what happened is very important. it is the way that i want to really honor and respect my parents and my children. >> this is piers morgan tonight. good evening. there are not many laughs to be had a in politics. nms, of course, you have a guest

like alec baldwin. he was the poster boy for liberals. he does a good job of playing a hard core republican and playing it for love. this is an exchange from "30 rock". >> this is why 50.1% of americans hate republicans because you're sneaky and cynic wi cynical. >> i'm doing everything i can for my beliefs. i truly believe that one rich person can make roomful of rim people can change the world zblchl joining me is now the always outspoken and entertaining alec baldwin. >> we never met in the same studio. welcome. >> i'm going to mrs. that show. i'm going to miss that character. >> i was watching that clip thinking what is going to happen to my life without jack donahue? >> you're live. >> you must continue. >> never mind yours. he's the epitome of great comedy. >> even to the wire as we get down to where, you know next week sometime or there abouts we finish the show and every minute that goes by i'll never say this line again.

i'll never stand in this spot again. >> can't you create some kind of spinoff around jack? you signed a new deal with nbc. >> well, i think that would necessarily involve tina and all the people who birthed this show. it's their project. i don't think they see themselves, i mean tina has got so many options in her future. i don't think they see themselves to be a show that i'm the star that they're not involved w. >> it would be good. >> i think it would have been a good idea. >> let's talk serious politics. massive day. washington state. can you smoke pot legally. that must be a happy day, alec. >> i don't know how i feel about legalized pot smoking because the difference is that alcohol is something that's consumed as a part of cuisine. you know, you have wine in particular. and can you drink alcohol and you can say well i've had enough. i don't think i want to drink anymore because i want to drive. drugs are consumed for the purpose of being mind altering substances. i'm not quite sure how i stand on that. but however the medicinal

marijuana, i'm in support of. >> it's been a fascinating year politically. to the end, people assumed it was going to be a very close race. in the end, it wasn't that close. the gop are going through a kind of collective internal meltdown, trying to work out what the new identity should be. i know you won't be shedding any tears for that. what did you make of the election battle? it was pretty bruising and nasty. we've seen with the battle of this fiscal cliff, but i don't seem to have learned very much about how to get stuff done for the benefit of america. >> i'm not the first person. there are countless people who say the gop's casting department has to be fired and restaffed. this was a race that was there's for the taking. obama was right for the taking. i don't know if i agree deservedly so. they really could have brought him down. i think if you had romney who was plenty conservative for most people i know maybe not for

certain people in red states, certain christian conservatives, he needed to put a women on the ticket. >> he didn't get any kind of entry to. i think of marco rubio, condoleeza rice, assume theg would do it. at least he would have got -- >> if he went from meg whitman in california who ran for the senator and the chair of the ceo of hewlett-packard he may have won. if he took a serious woman as opposed to palin in the race in 2008. if he took a serious woman, he might have stood a chance, i think. >> obama, he ended up fighting a campaign. it was pretty skillful on the ground where it mattered in the swing states. did you say dent live up to the promise he gave four years ago. he can't face another election. what do you want him to do to really show fulfillment of that promise that we felt? >> i think that i want him to do and what i think needs to be

done are to some degree separate things. i do know that we've had a lot of programs, government funded programs for years now that represent both sides of the aisle, both sides want everything they want. and both sides have found a way with this congress over the last several years to get much of what they want. and we bought it on credit. and the time has come because we have enormous debt where we have to raise taxes and pay the bill. >> this is my gut feeling. you see the republicans being pushed into this impossible situation for them to win where two-thirds of americans and all the poles are happy for the rich 2% to be taxed more. the republicans boxed them into position where come january 1st, they might be allowing all the little class to be taxable to try to save the skins of very wealthy americans. that's not going to wash with the public, is it? >> i don't think it is washing with the public. >> we need a more realistic definition of what we will sj. parents are both working and

putting their kids through schools zloevenlt faith in the public schools and the community they're in and they have the topgs go to private school. their nut is a bit higher. but nonetheless, i think probably right around $1 million is a serious breaking point for me. meaning you have a certain tax base. $250,000 in the household, $500,000, but then once you cross $1 million, then can you have the highest tax rate. i don't think you should be taxing people at the highest rate earning $250,000 a year in the moderate world. >> let's talk about guns. bob costas this week, he got into hot water for going at halftime in a football match and talking about gun control. a lot of debate about this on the show. i have strong feelings. i come from a country where we have strict gun control and very few gun murders and we don't have a constitution. many here believe it entitles them to bear arms, in other words, to have a fire arm. what is your view? and should politicians led by the president be doing more to try to at least limit some form

of weapon? >> i'm in favor of people owning guns. but i'm in favor of there being the most arduous process for them to qualify to own that gun. we license many things in our society. you can't walk into a store and get all the drugs you need. you could be in agonizing pain and still have to go to a hospital and stand in line and get a prescription from a pharmacist. we license cars. we license a lot of things. i think we need to license guns beyond the way we do it now. meaning if you want a gun, you can have a gun. it may take you a couple weeks to get a proper background check. >> it is kind of -- isn't it the right thing to an american this right to bear guns. >> to some americans. >> i would say to the majority of americans. >> i disagree. >> you don't think? >> i think at best it's 50/50 where there is a rural or semirural component or people who live if a city that is kind of a b sized city out west where they have access to rural countrysides and shooting and guns and hunting, that sort of thing is part of the culturement

i think for a lot of -- look at a map of the united states and look at the density of the united states. most of us are on the east coast. a lot of people i know on the east coast don't want to own guns. >> i think people should be able to own them. we should not infringe on that right. we need to make the rules for having one more stringent, i think. >> the last time we spoke you were flirting with the idea of possibly running for mayor of new york. are you still flirting with it? >> no. because to do so i mean i was convinced that people told me although it was something i would have loved to have done, truly, you have to take a year and a half in your life to do nothing but raise money and i didn't have time. i'm doing the tv show now and other commitments. i'm very interested in what the post bloomberg new york will look like. >> who you would like to see? >> bob probbly bill deblasio. i look at the other kandz dates all of whom have good qualities. the thing that concerns me most is obviously about quinn.

i've been very outspoke been quinn. she's a lovely person but she is bloomberg's hand picked successor. i resent that to some degree that bloomberg feels he needs to control the fate of city hall and of grace he mentioned beyond his term. he already overturned a voter approved referendum that had term limits for two terms. quinn has that blood on her hands. she was the one who single-handedly killed the voter referendum at bloomberg's behest and gave him a third term. i was very, very upset about. that i don't think that quinn is trustworthy. i think she's a very, very -- she's a very nice person. but in terms of her political aspirations, she is a very untrustworthy person. >> talking about blood on hands, i can't help but notice your grazed knuckle. i want to leave the viewing public on this cliffhanger, how did he get that mark on his knuckle? has he punched a photographer?

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with odor free aspercreme. powerful medicine relieves pain fast, with no odor. so all you notice is relief. aspercreme. i've been to the dmc. they have signs. can your wife not read? >> okay. we're all adults here. >> so what is it? is she funnier than i am? she's certainly not younger, is she? >> we're not doing this. >> oh, we are doing this. >> i'm sorry i broke up with you by text. i'm sorry i went drinking with karl rove onalentine's day. >> that is funny. i can't bear the thought of that. it was funny, alec. she was a comic. i thought the comic timing was -- >> she was a great foil. a great comic foil. >> we have funny pictures for

you. i want to end the election stuff with these. these are mitt romney since the lection. >> that is him at mcdonald's. >> okay. >> i think he had -- that's him in the super market. cvs get something supplies. that's him in the kitchen. that's him gassing up at the station. i mean a sad lonely figure. >> he's kicking back. he's enjoying himself. >> glad to see him back in normal life. good for any politician? >> i would imagine that the period, the grieving period and the acceptance period for when it doesn't go your way, especially wli there was every inclination it would go his way. remember what a long, torturous, tedious primary period there was. they had like 175 republican debates before the general election. he must have been wiped out. he was wiped out before the finals. >> that is what is so disgusting about politicians.

i like mitt romney and his wife and his kids. they're nice people. the way they've been chucked under the bus by the other republicans, one by one. racing the distance of themselves. i don't like that. it's just disloyal to me. >> i think that romney was someone who -- i mean you listen, glad, i'm glad the way everything turned oit. it wasn't like romney was somebody i despised. i didn't think he was the best man for the job. i do think that republican party, they do have a lot of soul searching to do. we need two parties. i don't want to live in a one party country either. i'd like to have a loyal opposition as well. but i think that what happened for the republicans is something that they've got to do a lot of thinking b it was theirs for the winning if they focused more. >> let's put the viewers out of their misery. what the hell happened -- >> i hit a lad we are my hand. when you're on a sound stage as you well know, especially if you're moving sets and shooting the way we do, you're in pretty constant peril every five minutes of smashing your head on

something. you trip on something or hit something. i cracked my hand. i did not punch a photographer. >> but your relationship with the media is fascinating. because you have always been very good copy for them. and you sort of play the game. occasionally you blow up. and now you seem to be almost permanent rage with them. why do you have such conflict with them? >> i don't think i really do have any conflict with them in the sense that that guy you're talking about, that photographer, i mean i think the most important thing to remember is i did not punch the guy. and the guy was overheard by witnesses going down the street going through his camera with his finger going yeah, there's one. there's a good one. oh, i like that one. i mean he's going through the whole roll of his film on his camera. then they go to the police station and he presses charges and the charges are dismissed. i don't think i'm somebody that i have the new york city's d.a.'s or police department in my pocket. they didn't believe the guy. they dismissed the charges. there was no case there. but i also think that, you know,

we live in a time where, you will appreciate this, i say this all the time. you know, years ago the press operations of major studios before they're even were television networks, they tried to protect movie stars back then from the head of hoppers and the luella parsons and the walter winchals of their day. they had press office that's would help them. and then one day somebody who worked at one of these companies said why are we wasting our time trying to shield society from the alcoholism, the homosexuality, the extramarital affairs of our stable of stars? let's make money off of these people falling on their sword, no one intended in this behavi r behavior. so for this very company, for example, cnn which is owned by time warner, warner brothers owns tmz. so when you make a film for tmz or when you make a film for warner brothers or a television

show for warner brothers, right down that hallway they're trying to stab new the back when your back is turned, you know, with what's his name who runs tmz. >> oh, yeah. >> so it's become a very, very murky water. >> is there a way not to deal with it? i say this with great respect. you get much more attention than i would. but whenever i come across the guys, tmz, they strike me as entertaining. they follow you around. >> you have a low threshold for entertainment. >> i find an unnecessary part of the business. >> that's a difference of opinion. >> i call them a tax. it's a tax on showbiz. >> you have a very different opinion than i do. my attitude is the business would be infinitely better if all of them were gone. >> really? >> if i could press a button and flush them down some swirling sewer i would do it. where is the button? hand it to me now. >> what if they said here's the deal. we'll leave you alone. but can you never have any more publicity in any other newspaper or magazine. >> that is not practical.

you will have publicity. i'm not opposed to even though i'm not completely ecstatic about the entertainment journalism out there because i think it cheapens show business. about the the ones that you typically call the gotcha journalism, that is one i think we can all do without. >> mike tyson had a good way of resolving things. i said when is the last time you hit a man? he said a photographer at lax. i said what was the fallout from this? they're really good to me now. i said really, let's give him a ride home. let's come back and talk about more cheerful matters. saturday night live, you've done 16 of these. you're the king at snl. i want to talk to the king. two years ago, the people of bp made a commitment to the gulf.

bp has paid over twenty-three billion dollars to help those affected and to cover cleanup costs. today, the beaches and gulf are open, and many areas are reporting their best tourism seasons in years. and bp's also committed to america. we support nearly 250,000 jobs and invest more here than anywhere else. we're working to fuel america for generations to come. our commitment has never been stronger. you know, one job or the other. the moment i could access the retirement plan, i just became firm about it -- you know, it's like it just hits you fast. you know, you start thinking

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i have to say your balls are so tender. >> well, there is no beating my balls. they're made from a secret schweaty family recipe. no one can resist my schweaty balls. >> that's a classic. >> that is a classic.

>> that's a holiday classic, piers. >> did you bring any of your schweaty balls? >> peach schweaty. >> you love snl, don't you? >> i do love it. i really do. >> is it the fact that it's live and dangerous? >> there are things like that that's the only place you can say it. one things i love about "30 rock" and the tributes so the writing is how they do prime time network. they can only go so blue. it can only be so adult. they have to walk that broadcast fine line which they do very well. they get pretty outrageous. but snl, it is late night programming, you can go even further. there are things you just can't believe you're saying on tv. it's just incredible. >> let's talk about your brother stephen. he's in the news for apparently facing jail, being arrested over some tax dodging thing. what can you say about that? >> i think two things. one is that i don't think he's going to go to jail. i know he's?

a negotiated settlement and thing onzline which were, you know, that's what media today does. they try to tilt the way they need it to be to sell copies of what have you and sell online hits to their sites. we're talking about him being arrested and taken into custody -- this was all prearranged with the da for him to go in and they can make an appearance. they've got to shake him down. and they have to make him walk that gauntlet. that is the procedure even though steps have been made to begin the process of remediating that money and down payments have been made. but one of the things i find interesting in my lifetime and i'm sure you will recognize this in yours with people you've known is that when you have far less money than you need and you have far more money than you need, they're both equal in terms of how easy it is to get into trouble with the tax mat others. people who walk down the mid until a more realistic framework seem to keep that right.

i have so many friends of mine who annualize their income. they make a lot of money one year, two year, three years and then assume it's going to carry on. and those people spend the money that they wouldn't ordinarily have to segregate into a tax account. and my brother in that sense is no different than millions of other people. i think the problem as to have day is being cleared up. they did drag him through that mud. >> can you hold the tweets here? asking are you going to work with tina again? they're heart broken that this friday this week it's it. >> the show airs unwilling the enof january, i believe. listen, if something came up that was a good idea, i'd love to do. that tina is such a great writer and she's such an -- she's so unique. i mean there really is no one like tina who is this beautiful, beautiful woman and she's winning and warm and funny on screen and very, very clever and very, very, you know, sharp. but the other thing about it is her future is something that i'm

very interested to see what happens because she does have two kids. so whether she's going to want to get back into that tv series, i don't know. but her options are limitless. >> take another break. let's come back and let's intrude in your privacy. i want to ask you about your love life. let me ask you, alec baldwin how many times you have been properly in love.

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raising the specter you may be guy. >> i may be unconsciously. i don't want to rule that out. i think consciously i'm not. i just got married to a woman actually. >> yes. >> it was great. >> how is laura? she is a beautiful woman. and she has got new a spectacular shape. >> well, you know, obviously i feel funny saying this because a lot of people would say this about their wives.

but i'm very lucky. my wife smoest special person. she is such a wonderful opportunity for me as a person to grow. she's helped me so much. and not just in terms of the physical health thing and nutrition. the number one thing gave up is sugar. i was always a pretty fit and relatively lean and healthy person. and about eight or nine years ago i began to go off this deep end. i started to get more and more swollen. i did exercise. and then when someone explained to me that it was not so much about my lack of discipline or my kind of bad behavior but that i was sick, that i was prediabetic, it was an illness, a dressed it that way, therein lied the cure. i gave up eating sugar and i lost 35 pounds in a year. >> you are naturally romantic? >> i think i'm very romantic. >> i saw the wedding pictures.

i thought they were very romantic. >> i can't say enough. i mean i'm very -- i love my wife. i'm in love with my wife. a dor her. but i'm very lucky to have her. i mean i just have never had this kind of opportunity before. because, you know, when you're younger and you're with other people i was married before, i'm a different person. you look at that guy as i'm sure you do in your career and relationships, you look at that guy back then and you go oh, god look at him. he was -- he didn't really have all of his ducks in a row. >> you spoke to me in a well spoke en accent, how many times sbrun properly in love. now that you experienced true, true love here and happiness, is this the proper love you were always seeking or you have felt this before but it just didn't work out? >> i think we have a more acute appreciation of. that everywhere i was, that's where i wanted to be at the time. and that guy i was. i was married to my ex-wife and my daughter's mother. i was involved with, you know

here and there with a couple different people and with all those people is where i thought i wanted to be. where i'm at now is the difference in me. we're not only in who i'm with but me as well. >> are you a nice guy to be with? are you a better partner? >> i think the biggest thing i want to change is just shou stress filled my life is. i try to do a lot. the job i have and the tv show, sometimes it seems to be a hobby. and i'm fitting in all these other things i do and all the other activities i do which fill another kind of side of my passion. and sometimes i go home and i just think i'm going to go blind i'm so tired. >> talk about the greatest moment of your life. putting aside women and children, what has been the moment, if i could relive it for you, you'd go for? >> i think it's a tie between my daughter being born, i remember that was a really, really great experience. at that point i got married in

19 1993. i got married and i was 37 and at that point gain to mull over my ex-wife was older than i was by 4 1/2 years. i began to mull over the possibility that i wasn't going to have children. my wife was 42 a few weeks after my daughter was born. so as we rolled toward that horizon, i began to look at myself and say wow maybe that is going to get by me. so when my daughter was born that, was a great thrill. the second thing tied to that is it marrying my daughter. i never thought i would get married again. you've been married once? >> twice zblment so you know when do you go back in it again, it is a very, very joyful thing. >> you can't have women or children as the answer. you gave me women and children. >> is that what i said. >> so other than women and children. >> other than women and children. >> yes. >> other than women and children. the greatest experience of my life? boy, that's really, really tough to say. i would have to say -- >> the moment.

>> the moment if i could relive it. probably when we won the emmy for "30 rock" and the show won and tina won and i won and we were only the third show in emmy history other than "all in the family" and "the dick van dyke show" were the two principles leads and the show won in the same yearment we're the only third show in history that happened. that is one answer. >> well tshgsz a great answer. and it's a fantastic showment i will be mourning the departure. jack donahue is going to live on if it kills me. >> will you still have me on your show? >> i will. come back any time. alec, take care. alec baldwin, great guy. coming up, an extraordinary story of heartbreak and hope. how a woman is rebuilding her life after the most appalling of tragedies. all have something very interesting in common.

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president obama, house speaker john boehner met face-to-face at the white house to prevent the fiscal cliff now just 23 day as way. we don't have any details of their conversation. reps for both sides say lines of communication remain open. some gay couples living in washington state made history after sunday becoming the first legal same-sex marriages in the state. sarah and emily coiffeur were the first to get married at the king county courthouse in seattle. the governor signed the vote area proved referendum into law on wednesday. very sad news for jiffy riff air yachlt they found the wreckage after private jet carrying the mechl canal singer and six others and there doesn't appear to be any survivors. they lost contact with the air traffic controllers earlier this morning. those are your headlines this hour. i'm don lemon keeping you informed. cnn, the most trusted name in

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young daughter and her parents. for a year after that appalling tragedy, madonna badger is trying to get on with her life and showing an example of strength and courage. she joins me now in a prime time exclusive. >> i don't know where to start with you, madonna. i can't imagine anything worse in the world than what you've been through. how do you even begin to cope? >> you know, in the beginning you don't cope. and my life was basically shattered. and i went to three different mental institutions. and they didn't know what to do with me. you know, i wasn't schizophrenic, i wasn't mentally ill. i was just sick with grief and sadness. and finally i called my friend and asked her to come and get me from the third one in tennessee. and she did. kate and i went to college together. and i lived in her daughter's

bedroom for four months. win the to this amazing place called psychiatric research institute. and it's part of the university of arkansas little rock. the director there was the first person that really described to me what was going on with my physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically in a way that i could somewhat understand at the time. >> is time as people say so often in these situations any kind of healer? >> i think the only reason why time is a healer is because, you know, my whole life -- not my whole life, but certainly what felt like my whole life up to this point has been about my girls and my children. so the time part is, i think, the idea that is about learning to live without them. and so it doesn't really get better. you just sort of learn new tools along the way. >> something that really touched everybody because it was christmas. your three beautiful girls, your whole life, your parents, everything gone.

literally in ashes. the day before, how was your life? how would you describe life before this happened to you? >> my life was fantastic. it was beyond my wildest dreams. and we had the most amazing night together. my mother made wonderful apple pies and homemade bread and brought them to my house. and we had a lovely christmas eve dinner. and gracy went around and decorated the table. sarah and lily, you know, did wonderful dances. and it was amazing. and my life fell -- i never felt so good in my life than really these past -- the past few months up until, you know, christmas morning. >> when you realized what was happening, there must be -- i'll put my cards on the table. my grandmother watched her

mother die in a house fire and saw what happened. so i've got a tiny bit of perspective on this for the horror of what that must be like. when you're beginning to realize that you can't get your girls or your parents out of this inferno, what was going through your mind? >> i mean, it's so horrific and so awful and that, you know, before this happened to me, i would never have imagined that there was anything that could have stopped me from going into a burning building and to save my children. and, yet, i couldn't -- i couldn't get in. and i climbed up to the third floor scaffolding. i raised the window. and the black smoke on the third floor was so intense and so filled with burning embers. i would hold my breath and try to go in. and hold my breath and try go in. i was screaming and screaming. and then finally i saw the fire

trucks coming. and so i came down and then i started to -- i tried to open a window with my foot. and, you know, at this point my neighbor has just come out of his house. the firemen are there. and i don't know -- i'm so lost at that moment. i was so lost. and i've done a lot of work, the same sort of work that they do with war veterans with post traumatic stress syndrome at pri because, you know, up until maybe two months ago i couldn't have even told you that story. >> did part of you just wish you died to? >> oh, god yes. yes. i prayed for that. and i screamed at god, you know, forever. why didn't i die, too? yeah. i really wanted to die, too. >> do you blame anybody? >> no. i don't.

>> i mean do you really even know exactly what happened? >> no. that's why i don't blame anyone. >> the house is demolished, wasn't it? >> yes. >> without your knowledge or permission, it was raised to the ground. so there's never been any conclusive investigation that's really told you probably what you most want to know what happened. >> yes. yes. no, there has not been any conclusive anything. and, you know, for me finding out the truth of what happened is very important. it is the way that i want to really honor and respect my parents and my children and more importantly at this point is that i don't want this to ever happen to anyone else. you know? i don't want anyone else to ever wake up on christmas morning choking in their own bed and not being able to save their children and have, you know, the people of the city come in and tear my house down and haul it

away and not save one piece of physical evidence, not save a smoke detector. >> why did they do this? do you know? do you have a satisfactory answer? >> no, i have no answer, none. >> it is extraordinary. >> it's awful. it's awful. and it's -- the fact that they could come in and make that sort of a decision without doing a proper investigation. i mean, my father was the director of safety and security for brown foreman for over 20 years. >> he was an instore santa claus, wasn't he? >> in his retirement, yes. >> he was very keen on safety and all that kind of thing. you were very aware. >> yes. as a kid growing up, i mean his nickname was safety man. i mean my dad was in my house with me all the time and my mom was, too. and, you know, this idea that my house was somehow, you know, half way built orny those kinds of things, i mean it's just absurd. it is absurd.

and so the person that came up with the ashes story was me. you know, i was worried that when i went to bed and saw the box next to the mudroom -- sorry, in the mudroom next to the door, i thought oh, i should put that outside. and then i thought no, it's okay. i mean i vividly remember this. of course i do. and so i went to bed. when i got up, i came out the front on to the front top of the porch and out to the front to the top of the porch, i looked around and i saw my parents' bedroom windows, and i looked out and there was no flame there, and i looked back, and the way my house was built i could go all the way around, and i saw 8-foot white parks coming out the direction of the meter, and the sound -- it was so quiet. all i heard was like in a

frankenstein movie when they electrify him. i saw a flame but not much. i ran up the scaffolding and opened the window and that's when the smokeearly knocked me down. >> your ex-husband has said in interviews and has been very honest about this that he was so grief stricken and engaged that at one point he wanted to kill you and your boyfriend and do whatever he could to try -- i know that you now have a pretty good relationship with him, i think. >> yes. >> tell me about that, because it's for him as awful as it has been for you. >> oh, you know, i would imagine if i were in matthew's shoes i would have had the exact same reaction. i don't at all judge his grief or what he has chosen to say or do or feel. it's such mind-bending grief. i hope nobody judges me. >> you said at the funerals for your girls, you gave the eulogy

and you put your hand on my heart and you said they are right here and this is where they live now. is that how you feel now? >> yes. at one of the places i had a dream d -- on my way to arkansas, and in my dream lilly came to me, and she did it with fingers, and she said, mommy, i am right there, i am right there in your heart, don't worry, i love you, mommy. sarah came to me when i was, you know, flipping out, and said, you know, don't worry, mommy, there's nothing to be afraid of. i had a dream with sarah where she said just look into my eyes. it's all okay. with gracy, i see butterflies everywhere, and i know it's grace. you know, if it's cold or raining, wherever, and so i -- you know, not only do i know

that they are in their heart, i know now that their presence is everywhere. when all of those things were happening, i thought, wow, i am delusional. i must be really nuts. this is what is happening to me. actually iead a book about a month ago called proofn by dr. alexander, and he is a surgeon that had a near-death experience and during that entire time he was on the wings of a butterfly and he went to heaven on the wings of a butterfly. the messages are love. there's nothing to be afraid of. you can't do anything wrong. and dreams are more real than this life. and that's what doctr. alexande said, and that's what sarah told me in june and i read this book in november. when i read that book and had the realization that this was

real, and i had what the saints call ecstasy, when you really know god and you know that eternal life is real, and i had that feeling. it was amazing. and every since then i have felt so much at peace because i know -- i know with every fiber of my being that my girls are okay. >> how will you spend christmas? it will be ayear, and normally such a happy day for you, it will be a painful day, and what do you think you will do, do you thin >> every day has been awful and there have been all sorts -- they talk about when parents lose a child the first-year anniversary of everything is really hard, their birthday, you know, and i had two because, you know, sarah and gracie are twins. but mother's day, easter,

halloween, thanksgiving, and so yes, you know, this -- this is the day, and i am certainly nervous about it but because i have had all these other days i have a little bit of an idea of what to expect. the truth is the leadup to the actual day is much harder than the day itself. lilly's birthday was the first that came. i was terrified. i didn't sleep for days. i was terrified. i couldn't sleep by myself. it was, you know -- kate -- i had to go and stay at kate and justin's house again and i woke up on lilly's birthday, and the first thought that came into my head was i love you, lilly, happy birthday, and i dressed up for her, and i, you know, put makeup on for her, and i just walked around all day, you know, saying happy birthday and i love

you. so i will spend christmas that way, and i am going to go to thailand because, you know, i am -- santa claus is not really a happening thing for me right now, and they -- there's an orphanage there and there are young girls -- there are orphanages everywhere, but this one, these young girls have lost their families, and so i will take them suitcases filled with toys that i was able to get out of my garage, and so that's what i am going to do. i will ride on elephants, i hope. >> it's a heartbreaking story and i don't know how you got through this. your encourage is inspiring and the way you talk about the girls is extraordinary, and i wish i could do something to ease your pain, but i can't. i really appreciate you coming in today. >> thank you for having me. >> i hope christmas is not too

unbearable. >> thank you. >> you got everybody with you. >> thank you. >> thank you very much. >> thank you. today, the beaches and gulf are open, and many areas are reporting their best tourism seasons in years. and bp's also committed to america. we support nearly 250,000 jobs and invest more here than anywhere else. we're working to fuel america for generations to come. our commitment has never been stronger.

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